Mah Place !!!

do not dream about something, coz it will stay as a dream. want something that is real, doable, reasonable. at this moment, i want to want again. i tried to live a dream, when i woke up i hoped it was just ramdom memories playing in my thoughts and that it never materialized. some dreams happen, and as dreams are what they are, they remain as they are. it fades,often times you forget it. and most of the time dreams are so bad that you want it to never happen again.

i had a dream. it was all so colorful, eventful, and amusing. i never wanted to wake up and just wanted to live the dream…but reality knocked me, i woke up…and thank God the dream stopped as it was supposed to be…

i may often be bizarre when it comes to my choices, my wants and actions. these things make me different from you.you may think you can eventually understand the real me underneath the insanity. please, think otherwise. 

do not assume that my devil-may-care attitude is attractive. that my loudness is equivalent to any form of excitement. my outspoken personality may be funny at times, but somehow when i am at my own moment, in the end you will realize it’s all about you.

make yourself believe that i am an angel. that i am the goddess you can have at anytime you want. you need to think of it this way coz it will never be clear til you realize that the joke is on you. let the pain linger, and make me happier by being my very own plaything.

and i am lucky to have you. for only you made the psycho me complete. the mark of your dullness in my life is the very tattoo which reminds me that you are less of me. and this makes me happiest.

thank you for submitting yourself to the game of my life. your participation in it makes me win again, and again, and again.

finally, i invite you to remain in my thoughts. you give me the enticing power of making you do things without you knowing it. it may be cruel, true, but you are a happy and willing slave who is all mine all the time. you will stick around until i want you to…and you will leave when i intend you to. in the end you will be a concept. forever existing in my consciousness…

when one comes to a point of reasoning with fate

this is the time when you are really really scared of knowing the truth.

but simply put, you just need to know.

when i ask about things i already know, i just want to have a conversation. when i ask about something i am not really sure, i am maybe intrigued. when i ask about something i dont know, i want to have answers.

and now i ask why. i have a lot of whys in my life right now.

maybe i’m bored.

i am given answers. but still i ask why…

i couldn’t be more negative than now. seriously for the past 3 months i have been on my stage of not liking myself anymore. for women, weight gain is such an issue that it affects everything that u do and everything that u plan to do. and sometimes the unlikeable upsurge of weight gain is the primary culprit in any women’s detachment with this unseemingly fleeting feeling of contentment.

i mean, seriously,any emotional and mental problems may be cured by an afternoon coffee with friends but the physical problem….it is an agonizing pain day by day massively contributing to your silent emotional and mental problem. this may be so pedestrian for someone not having this weight gain problem, but for me i am not embarrassed to say that this God forsaken unstoppable weight gain made my lifestyle liquified!

i don’t go clubbing anymore. mainly my clothes don’t fit nicely than before. i seldom go out with friends because they outspokenly declare time after time i gained so much. posting new pictures in friendster and facebook is not as frequent as before, coz my photos are so badly taken, having fats plastered all over me. going to the gym ,just thinking of it, becomes more tiring than actually doing it coz the idea of going to the gym is actually rubbing into yourself that u are not in shape, and depression arises.looking at yourself in the mirror is becoming less of my hobby nowadays, coz it magnifies the terror of looking at my body and realizing that i am upsizing. ultimately, having sex and feeling sexy is out of the picture.i imagine i am a slob with a hole and synonymous to a differently shaped hand. i don’t feel like a complete person just because of this fucking weight gain! i find it really pedestrian to think this way but seriously…SERIOUSLY, this is a serious issue for me right now.

just minutes ago my partner asked me, when do u plan to be sexy again? i want to throw knives to his face and shove shit in his mouth when he told me this. i asked him if it really matters and he says i ask him about my weight moment after moment so he is just saying,just saying if i plan to lose weight again. i told him don’t u think i have eyes not to see that this is a problem?he knows i eat only once a day for 3 months  and eat a single full meal once a day. my body is just not cooperating God knows why but i am just not losing it,and he askes me when i plan to be sexy again???

this made me do this blog. i know i am guilty that one way or the other i have advised several of my friends who had this same problem that this should not be a big deal. i spoke too soon. coz this is  not only literally,SERIOUSLY a BIG deal!!! 

i reckon that people around me will be completely annoyed when i become quiet. they may find it abnormal even. but in these times when i am bombarded with life turning decisions and a list of choices, i prefer to be on my own to contemplate.i try to remember what really made me happy when i was younger, like when i was 10 perhaps…i vaguely recognize the wonderful things that passed me by and it pains me to accept this.how can happy things be easily forgotten?

I have been bruised moment after moment and no one knows but me. I may seem to be standing on a strong ground but my inner self is melting. i recognize the littlest detais that i go through each day but reconciling the pieces that are missing is beyond my capacity.

what makes me happy are people around me whom i never expected to care at all. these people carried me through the times when i needed to smile…they make me shrug my shoulder and say ‘wow,sarap naman’. to know that someone sincerely cares is simply a wow moment.

i am not the person most people would like me to become, and i am sorry if i failed them. but i can assure them that just the thought that they are at an arm’s reach raises my spirits.

if only because i don’t know how to pick up the pieces and become satisfied with life makes me a lonely gal, then i certify i am one,lonely bitch waiting for my turn on the happy trail of life.

could it be i suddenly became numb?unfeeling?

could it be that my sense of recognition is deteriorating?

could it be that i have been careless to cherish the gifts God has given me?

i am now as quiet as these walls around me, as cold as the room i am in…

i just started to stop trying.Stopped trying to make things better,to make things happen,to make me find what i truly want. i have never been so bored in my life like this. i have no inspiration nor encouragement that can lit up my spirit. why so? i don’t know. i just feel so unhappy but not sad, so empty but just feeling okay. i am in my perfect state of mediocrity. so this is how it is to stop believing.

i stopped believing in people around me.just because no one around me really knows what i feel nor need. they simply want a piece of themselves to be entertained by my extra moments that i could spare them with. it gives me the feeling it is not right anymore to be with these kinds of people. feels like growing backwards and i don’t like them anymore.

i stopped wanting to know new people. just because trying to know new people is just trying to see the old people just having different faces. why in the hell am i in this side of the world where there is so little chance to find people i can hang out with? come on! i am in abudhabi, seriously where can i get someone to give me mental masturbation and verbal sparring mate who i can enjoy killing time with?

i stopped believing that things can be better than what it is now. i am a cabin crew and from here will be cabin manager then what?retirement? don’t get me wrong but i love my job. the thing is, clearly i am stuck in this field for as long as i can.

i stopped pretending i am still young. i am turning 30 this december and i am so surprised that shit i am not young anymore…that the risks i take every now and then should be limited already due to the harmful fact that there is so little time left to waste.damn it!

i stopped. i simply stopped. i am fed up with everything that is happening to me.it is not in sync at the moment with my goals. good things are happening in my life, thank God, it’s just that i don’t like where i am at anymore.

i had a talk with an old friend and he is so damn scared of dying.he is just paranoid that one fine day someone will just stab him to death and there his life will go to waste…for me, i think my life is taking an advance with regard to wasting it.good lord i feel so useless…

i stopped…

i stopped caring, and stopped dreaming, and stopped wanting.

of all the things i hate the most are people thinking this way, i could not believe that these feelings will come my way one day. but it came,and i don’t know why and what to do.

then i thought maybe i need to feel being in love…that i need to be in love again…coz when one is under the influence of love,nothing really matters at all…AT ALL… being in love is like u feel u don’t care about anything that may happen,that your world goes into a pause,like your life stopped for a moment… but wait,something doesn’t seem right…isn’t this ironic? both feelings of having love and not having it in your life gives you the same, insane, ridiculous effect? therefore, i conclude that love is not special. it is the same as the simple shit that people encounter everyday. love is so overstated but really, there is no magic to this. love is the same garbage just wrapped with a shiny paper,just to make it look mysterious and undefinable.

a lot of things are running in my head right now but i can’t seem to put it to words.unbelievable that this thing called love is JUST a feeling…period! nothing special,so ordinary…so please, don’t make a celebration if you fall in love because the effect is the same as when u feel like you are having diarrhea!

i could no longer bear the mistake i have been dragging for the longest time and I ask for the forgiveness of those whom i have looked over while constantly making mistakes after mistakes…i could blame only myself and nobody else.but i will make sure that this time will be my last mistake…it finishes now…

i could be wrong but some how i am sure that one way or another, i had been wrong…

now i wish i’d be dead…seriously…i guess i have done what i wanted and got what i needed…i usually say if you are contented with your life, might as welldie coz there is nothing more to want…exactly what i feel now…my 29 yrs in this world is enough for me…asking for more years would be a waste…there is nothing left to do…it has been done…

so recently i felt real love.i exactly knew it was it…i am in love,but my heart nowhere to be found…i lost it…somewhere…

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent, starving I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disquiets me,
I search the liquid sound of your steps all day.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
For your hands the color of the wild grain,
I hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I need to search the sunbeam that flares your loveliness,
Your nose, sovereign of your arrogant face,
I crave the fleeting shade of your lashes,
Your eyes abate the enticing goddess.

And I walk hungry, smelling the twilight
Looking for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barren wilderness
Lost in the wailing dusk of loneliness.